Awake at 5 despite the benadryl. Last nights sleep not nearly as good as the night before which was much needed. I feel pretty good though despite another midnight episode of pounding in my ear that wakes me like a deep drum. My fear, which is another problem, the whole worrying magnifying the issue I'm sure, my system can no longer process wheat. It has been a great challenge for me to be in the land of pastas, breads and pizzas and have the self control needed to make a day without toilets easier. I am apparently failing as the pounding in my head is getting worse as are the frequency of bush runs. I was able to push the bread basket away last night and lucky enough to order a gluten free pizza (So I guess gluten is an issue here as well, my thinking was that I wouldn't have any problems here because they process wheat differently, I really believed that or at least tried to, I must have not been totally convinced or I would be fine right now??)but unfortunately I had a small packet of biscuit in with my lunch, the only gluten I had all day. I keep trying to prove it isnt the gluten causing problems doing diet experiments. My believe system is that whatever I believe is true so I'm struggling to believe otherwise but I am unable to do so. Breakfast in italy is coffee and a croissant both things I'd love to indulge in but my body can't tolerate. Lunch is sandwiches with homemade breads another favorite, the smell amazing, and then of course pizza and pasta for dinner with amazing gelato stands everywhere, another food issue. Salads, vegetables, fruit, meat, eggs all hard to find. They do not eat eggs or bacon as far as I can see, not even potatoes for breakfast. This is crazy hard for me.
I suppose this is part of my lesson here in italy to learn self discipline that and to learn to let go what is not my own. Ever since I discovered Jake's struggles I have been carrying that with me. But while walking yesterday alone through the gorgeous hill tops it became clear to me that I should carry with me only what I own myself. The weight too much, which does indeed show up in my body in the form of a back and neck ache. As we walk through life it is our duty to care and love others but not to carry with us anything that doesn't belong to us. My mind is already arguing that Jakes struggles are my own since he is my son and I'm getting closer to realizing that isn't so. People say we carry with us our parents burdens starting at the age of two to three, even our grandparents as that's a piece of our parents and so on down the line. But, somewhere along that line we have to break free that load, toss it over the hill and feel lighter in our shoes. I believe I've been carrying too much causing too much weight for my feet to bear, Sonja, a bit heavier and larger build has not one blister. With these thoughts in my head I was able to walk awhile feeling lighter, moving more quickly but somehow the load seems to return. It feels as if I am totally conscious all day, present with each painful step but when I sleep I cannot stop worry.
I watched the author of Deep last night in a video about dolphin and whale communication. Fascinating research and not just that but critical. He says if you ask any marine biologist they will tell you that the oceans ecosystems will all die off beginning in 30 years with no environmental change. The first creatures to go will be the largest. Whales have always had a place in my heart so how do we not worry and carry with us troubles that are endless and all around us. How can I not let the world weigh me down, crush me? Already the largest coral reef located off the coast of Australia has completely died. This is our greatest sin. We are fighting against and killing not just each other but all of the more conscious beings. Whales have a brain much like our own with a frontal cortex but theirs has been adapting for over 30 millions years. I am thrilled that people are going to try to communicate and learn from the whales using their intricate clicking system but those people are few and the destruction too great. What can you say to the whales other than we are so very sorry.
Greed, much like glutin is killing this world much like gluten is killing cells in my body, hmmm the the words so close and the systems so similar. We are out of balance, greed has taken over our existence and is killing everything on this planet. It makes sense that the microcosim mirrors the macrocosim.
I don't know what the world will look like for my grand kids and their kids, I fear it though. Fear, another destroyer, another immobilizer. Faith, I suppose the antidote. Solise in the idea that mother earth will survive and create new life and realizing our own insignificance. That is how I'll walk today, remembering we are here to enjoy the abundance, to let the world's problems fall off of me, but as I write that it doesn't feel right. I believe it is our duty to enjoy our life on the planet but don't I have to look out for it as best I can like I'm trying my best to take care of my own body? Care but not to much?? How's that work? Action comes to mind but it all seems so impossible.
The line between what's mine and what's my kids or my parents not even clear. We are all meshed together. Some would call that codependent, well aren't we all dependent on each other, every species is dependent on our actions. I feel as if my pack may be even heavier today.
No comments:
Post a Comment